Our first real disagreement began with a question on our premarital inventory about keeping old things.

Ryan is a minimalist. He does not like clutter or holding on to things we no longer need. Yet, somehow, he also does not care if his socks have holes in them. I feel that if there is nothing wrong with something, we should keep it because we might need it one day. But I also like things to be intact and ready to be used as they were designed. If something has a hole in it, you either fix it or throw it away.
What should have been a simple conversation somehow became an argument about possessions, stewardship and what makes something worth keeping. To this day, we still laugh about it. But the reality is that our disagreement was not really about socks. It was about two people bringing different habits, values and ways of seeing the world into one marriage.
We often hear that communication is the secret to a strong marriage. Communication is certainly important. But in that first disagreement, Ryan and I had communicated our positions quite clearly. Neither of us was confused about what the other thought. The problem was that each of us was more interested in defending our own perspective than understanding the person we loved.
 

Communication is a tool. 
Virtue determines how we use it.

I can express myself perfectly and still be prideful. I can use all the right words while refusing to listen. I can tell my husband exactly how I feel while having no intention of considering that I may be wrong. Good communication cannot bear much fruit without the humility to receive what our spouse is saying, the patience to remain present when a conversation becomes uncomfortable and the generosity to seek communion rather than victory.
Forgiveness matters, too. In marriage, we will sometimes speak carelessly, misunderstand one another or repeat the same frustrating behavior. Forgiveness keeps one painful conversation from defining our relationship. It allows us to begin again.
We do not enter marriage already possessing every virtue we will need. Marriage is one of the places where God patiently forms those virtues in us. Through sacramental grace, prayer, faithful friendships and the witness of other married couples, we learn how to love in a more mature way.
Before your next important conversation with your spouse, ask not only, “How can I communicate this better?” Ask, “What virtue does love require from me right now?” It may be humility, patience, courage or forgiveness.
Strong marriages are not built by spouses who always say everything perfectly. They are built by two people who remain willing to be formed by love.