Recently, after Mass, I had a chat with a friendly acquaintance. During our conversation, he mentioned a comment someone had made about me – something he’d heard secondhand, possibly even thirdhand. He wasn’t sure if it was meant as a joke or what the context was, but he ended the story with a casual, “Just thought you’d like to know.”

The comment wasn’t flattering, nor was it that big of a deal, but it sat in my stomach like a cement block for longer than I’d care to admit. It made me wonder: How do we know when something is helpful information to share versus gossip to avoid? Here are three criteria to consider when deciding whether or not to pass along feedback you have heard about a person or keep it to yourself.

The feedback or comment is actionable

If the person knew the information you want to share with them, would they be able to do anything about it? Could they apologize or make a change? Might it be a misunderstanding that needs to be clarified or is it simply a comment that will hurt the person’s feelings and leave them without any next steps?

The feedback has merit from your perspective

Do you agree with what you are passing along or is it irrational in your mind? Can you explain where it might be coming from or is it just as out of the blue to you as it will be to the person with whom you are sharing it? While sharing information is important, providing relevant context helps a person weigh its merit. 

The feedback is about someone or something you care about

What is your relationship with the source and the destination of the feedback? Do you want the best for the person who will be at the receiving end of this information?

We can best treat each other to the gift of helpful feedback, even if it is difficult to hear, when it comes from a place of love and is delivered in a way that enables everyone to take the next step forward.