When we had been married less than a decade and our children were very small, we often struggled to understand each other’s polar opposite reactions. Art, the introvert, would come home exhausted from having spent an entire workday talking with people. Laraine, on the other hand, was dying to talk (with a grown up) and to go out and do something. Anything.

Sometimes our very different tendencies resulted in miscommunication and disagreements. But then we discovered temperaments – the “science of reactivity.” We each have a temperament – a tendency (from birth) to react in certain ways. Laraine is an upbeat extrovert who reacts quickly and intensely, while Art is a thoughtful introvert who reacts slowly – exact opposites!

Researchers have studied temperament in babies as young as four months old; we say that it is God’s gift to each of us, as a way of kick-starting our personalities. Some people tend to react quickly; others react slowly or – seemingly – not at all. Some people react intensely to people, ideas or events; others seem perpetually “chill.” Where some of us thrive on social situations and tons of activities, others would much rather spend a quiet evening at home with a book. Quick-tempered or even-keeled? Optimistic or pessimistic? These are all temperament distinctions.

When others act or react differently than the way we would, we may be inclined to judge them harshly; it’s a fruit of original sin. But when we discover they are not being intentionally provocative and have no ill will toward us, we become much more understanding, patient and forgiving. The “extrovert” spouse needs to learn that the “introvert” spouse is not being “anti-social” when wanting to spend a quiet evening at home. Likewise, “introverts” need to realize that their spouse’s tendency to debate any topic is simply their way of engaging with new ideas and is not an indicator of anger or frustration. Some people make snap decisions, others take a long time to respond; if one spouse takes time to think through suggestions, the other must let that happen.

In the next column, we will outline the four classic temperaments: choleric, phlegmatic, sanguine and melancholic. These unusual terms go back to the ancient Greeks, but they’ve stuck around as easy ways of referring to temperament characteristics such as reactivity, persistence, distractibility, intensity, adaptability, sociability, etc. For our purposes, and to maintain continuity with a long and venerable Catholic tradition (many spiritual writers, saints and even popes!), we will use these terms when discussing different temperaments.

It is important to know that our temperament does not put us in a box, but rather frees us to grow in virtue: to discover what we need to work on, which virtues we need to cultivate and what new skills we might need to learn in order to respond more lovingly in our relationships. We are always free to respond to God’s grace and to grow in virtue, wisdom and holiness.