Your peaceful, placid phlegmatic spouse
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Some people are so calm, so steady and reliable, so quietly helpful, they inspire the acclamation, “What a great guy (or gal)!” If you are blessedly married to a naturally gentle, humble and easy-going phlegmatic, you will appreciate their dedication and patient, humble service, whether in their career or in their home life. They seem to embody what St. Paul was referring to when addressing the people of Colossae: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.” (Col 3:12)
Listen to this article:
Some people are so calm, so steady and reliable, so quietly helpful, they inspire the acclamation, “What a great guy (or gal)!” If you are blessedly married to a naturally gentle, humble and easy-going phlegmatic, you will appreciate their dedication and patient, humble service, whether in their career or in their home life. They seem to embody what St. Paul was referring to when addressing the people of Colossae: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.” (Col 3:12)
Phlegmatics are loyal, supportive and rarely ostentatious. Solid, dependable and affable, they value family and home life. They rarely seek the limelight (unlike our flashy friend, the sanguine) or try to take charge (like the choleric). Instead, they prefer to be behind-the-scenes, unselfish team players. And they have a great sense of humor.
But their love for harmony can sometimes backfire. They can value cooperation so much that they fail to assert themselves or take charge when necessary. At work they can be satisfied with the status quo, perhaps remaining in a lower-level job; at home, they may avoid a problem rather than deal with the pressure involved in facing it overtly. Phlegmatics will often resort to “OK” or “I’ll get to it” to buy some time, intending to get to it – later.
Because they tend not to push themselves forward or let everyone know what is on their minds, the phlegmatic can get lost in the shuffle. Their spouse (especially if he or she is choleric) may be wondering: Why is she so underpaid? Or, why doesn’t he try to find a new job?
If you are in a relationship with a phlegmatic, and you are the more expressive or assertive partner, watch out that you do not become overly controlling; allow the more reserved phlegmatic to shine and speak up, otherwise, resentment may grow between you.
On the other hand, if you are the phlegmatic, you can work on initiating and not ignoring, perhaps speaking up and leaning into conflict when needed – even when it feels uncomfortable.
Sometimes Jesus turned the other cheek, but sometimes he turned over the tables! In marriage, there will be times when the compliant phlegmatic will need to step up to a problem, take the initiative, share his or her innermost thoughts. In a loving Christian marriage, both the phlegmatic and his or her spouse would be wise to continue reading Paul’s words in that same chapter of Colossians when he advises, “let the word of Christ dwell in you richly.” (16) If you are able to do this, you can both grow in holy audacity and become true servant leaders for Christ.
Art and Laraine Bennett are Catholic speakers and authors on marriage and family issues. Art is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Laraine holds a master’s in philosophy.
