A: Your situation is not an uncommon one in early marriage, and it’s smart to learn some conflict resolution techniques before you have a major dilemma on your hands. The ability to solve conflicts is a skill you learn and then practice so you develop “muscle memory” –  a response that will come more easily when you are in a contentious situation.

When bringing up a problem, begin with an appreciation for the other person. In the situation above, you might begin by saying, “I appreciate how hard you work.” But then move on to your view of the current situation: “I know when you come home you want to relax, but when you watch sports all evening I feel like there’s no time for us.”

The next step is for the other person to make sure they have heard their partner’s concern correctly. In this example, your husband might say, “So you feel like I’m watching too much TV?”

This may or may not be what you were saying. You might be objecting to watching too much TV, or you might be saying TV is okay, but let’s watch something other than sports. It’s important for both people to know they are addressing the same concern.

If he doesn’t have it right, then tell him. Say, “No, that’s not it. I just don’t know much about football or hockey, so it’s hard to participate. Maybe we could watch something different.”

Once he understands what your concern is, you can work to find a compromise. One night, your husband might watch a game; the next, you can watch something together.

The same approach would work with a spouse who spends too much. He expresses his appreciation (“I appreciate that you want our home to look attractive”) and raises his concern about the family budget. She lets him know she’s heard his concern. Finally, they reach a compromise. The right solution is the one that feels fair and comfortable to both.

Sometimes, though, the conflict is about something one person did that is wrong; it’s not just a difference of opinion. If she ran up the credit card debt, if he got a speeding ticket and had his license suspended – those situations would be harder to deal with.

This kind of conflict requires one person to apologize, which is another habit worth cultivating. Apologizing is not the casual “sorry” that doesn’t have any real contrition behind it. A real apology is an admission that something has happened to offend the other person. It means taking responsibility for one’s actions and making a plan to see that it will not happen again. Apologizing comes as a result of a conversation that allows the injured party to express how hurtful the incident was. These are not easy conversations, but they do allow the air to be cleared.

The other side of apologizing is forgiving. When an honest conversation has taken place, and one person has truly apologized, the onus is on the other person to offer forgiveness. Saying “I forgive you” and meaning it is every bit as important as saying “I’m sorry” and meaning it.

Hopefully, big conflicts are not that common. Small ones happen all the time, though, so these skills can be practiced on the little differences that might otherwise get swept under the rug. Then when the bigger tools are needed, they will be clean, sharpened and ready for use.